Alright, folks, let’s talk about the hot topic nobody asked for: how to survive Doomsday. I just stumbled upon this gem of a booklet, “You Will Survive Doomsday,” on a site that looks like it was last updated around Y2K. It’s packed with reassuring insights about surviving a nuclear disaster. And by “reassuring,” I mean that if you thought you could just stock up on Twinkies and wait it out, think again.
First off, let’s tackle the myths. Apparently, most of us believe that if a nuke hits, it’s instant lights out. Boom. The end. But noooo, according to our Doomsday guru Bruce Beach, “instant death” is for amateurs. Surviving the initial blast? Oh, that’s just the beginning of your lifelong, post-apocalyptic vacation. Who knew the worst part of nuclear fallout is that most of us won’t be obliterated into oblivion? Instead, we’ll be left to survive in some bizarre, Mad Max world with all the finesse of a camping trip gone terribly wrong.
Let’s Talk Radiation Myths
Now, if you’re thinking, “Okay, so I’m not vaporized, but I’ll be glowing in the dark from radiation, right?” – wrong again. According to Beach, radiation isn’t exactly the instant death sentence Hollywood promised. He claims that radiation doesn’t “make things glow” (sorry, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans) and that it’s not exactly as sinister as it’s painted. In fact, he goes on to explain that radioactive contamination on food and water isn’t technically deadly, if you’re careful. Just rinse it like you would a pesticide-laden apple from the supermarket, and voila! Your lunch is safe again! I’m picturing a new wave of artisanal, fallout-washed veggies on the post-apocalyptic farmer’s market menu.
Forget Zombies, Welcome to Fallout Fashion
But wait – there’s more. According to Beach, the survival part will be, well, very “hands-on.” He encourages us to dig trenches to protect ourselves from fallout and even goes so far as to describe how to layer dirt over a shelter. Because, clearly, when radioactive clouds are raining down from above, my first thought is going to be, “I really should get into home improvement.” Beach insists that it’s all manageable – a shovel, some tarp, and a willingness to dig yourself a cozy underground den are all you need. Easy, right? But if I wanted to dig my own survival bunker, I’d have become a mole.
And get this – radiation doesn’t last forever! Beach wants you to know that it’ll mostly decay in a few days, like leftovers in the fridge you forgot about. So, technically, you only have to stay in your dirt cave for a week or two before you can bravely step out into a world that’s slightly less radioactive. Just think of it as an intense detox retreat…minus the smoothies.
The Whole “Community” Thing
Now, here’s my favorite part: apparently, surviving Doomsday isn’t a solo mission. Beach is all about teamwork, encouraging communities to plan together. Because, clearly, in a crisis, people’s first thought is “let’s band together for the common good,” right? Sure, maybe he’s onto something with this “community survival” thing. After all, I can’t think of anything better than gathering in my bunker with the neighbors who never return my lawnmower. Imagine the potluck possibilities.
But according to Beach, we really need to think about resources. He warns that hoarding won’t cut it. Instead, we’ll have to ration food and maybe even grow our own – a pretty tall order for anyone whose idea of “gardening” is keeping a cactus alive. It sounds like an apocalyptic CSA subscription: $10 a month for your share of radioactive potatoes. Sign me up!
Final Thoughts – or Not-So-Final
After reading this guide, I’m feeling…well, enlightened. According to Bruce Beach, if you’re not vaporized in the first blast, you’ve got a real shot at surviving, as long as you don’t mind some manual labor, occasional contamination, and a newfound appreciation for digging holes. It’s like camping, except with fewer marshmallows and way more existential dread.
So, my advice? Embrace the prepper lifestyle or ignore everything you just read and keep hoping for the best. And who knows? Maybe Bruce Beach is onto something, and we’ll all come out of Doomsday with survival skills we never knew we wanted.